I was asked recently how could I get someone into My head, get someone into my thoughts, feel what I'm feeling to understand this music. My immediate reaction was a picture Maybe this.
They say in moments of mental quietude you then can create. I totally agree with that.
Sometimes in those few moments when my mind rests, the waves of dread that lap at the rocks that make up the mind cease, I can see the ripples, the long stringy veins of a melody or idea swimming about all too clearly. Teasing. I try to catch it, lock it down. Make it better, make it better...fry it with some garlic and herbs, make it better, minor to major, hook line here, hook line and sinker, reel it in, reel it in! I CAN DO THIS! I can give it that injection of something that isn't just like ever other fucking piece of music that I've ever heard before. The same chords riffs hooks licks and loops.
And it's right there on his plate. A wholesome serving of something that I love.
There's nothing like laying back and basking in the warmth of your own creation, maybe I am an ego maniac.
But that's mine, it's from my heart and no one can take that away from me, even if I am useless at everything else.
I only hope they can understand what I'm trying to say. And I mean really understand it. Really get it.
But what happens when your mind is screaming so loud you can no longer hear the thing that you need to create. The fish turns to ash in your mouth. Hell! You can no longer even spy said fish. The waves crash so immensely, so harshly and all you can see and taste and hear is the grit from the bottom of the ocean that covers all that's gone before and anything you've ever thought. The layers and layers of the silt and mud that make up your subconscious, the relentless battle of the self and the ego that has intertwined to make one thick shitty residue.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND THAT FUCKING FISH BECAUSE I NEED TO FEED MYSELF, MY MIND AND MY EGO BUT I CAN NO LONGER SEE IT, NOT WITH ALL THIS DAMN GRIT IN MY EYES !!!!!
That record on loop of 'I can't' that even followed me down to the bottom of the ocean... HOW DID IT FIND ME HERE?!!! I'm floating, I'm weightless. How are you still here?
So I keep swimming. Panicked. Salty water gets in my nose eyes and mouth. I choke. I go to sleep. The next day I swim into a warm patch of water. The warmth floods through my veins. Gives my body another taste of how good life can be for that split second. Is it my own warm piss that I'm swimming through? Yes yes it is, I've just swam through my own warm piss, a piss of anxiety that I forgot the relieve.
And I wait. And I wait.
And suddenly, I am in this room, this radio, this piano.
Everything is as it was.
And will be tomorrow.
And the day after.
And I realise. I haven't swam. I haven't walked . I haven't Choked. I haven't eaten. I haven't been down to the depths of the ocean and sucked up the silt.
All I have done is thought.